Last week, I asked you a question:
What's a pattern you keep repeating that you swore you'd never repeat?
I read every reply. And so many of you wrote back about the same thing…
Relationships.
The partners you keep choosing. The arguments you keep having. The version of yourself you keep becoming when love is on the line.
So this week, let's talk about it.
My Own Story
Years ago, I was the textbook anxiously attached partner.
I didn't have language for it then. I just knew that when someone I loved pulled away — even a little — I felt panic in my body before I felt anything in my mind.
I would over-text. Over-explain. Over-give. Over-apologize.
I would scan their tone for proof that I'd done something wrong. I would replay conversations late at night looking for the moment I lost them.
And I kept finding partners who triggered that panic on a regular basis.
Distant. Hard to read. The kind of love that always felt just slightly out of reach.
I used to think the problem was them.
If I could just find someone kind enough, consistent enough, secure enough, I'd finally feel safe.
But here's what I learned the hard way:
You don't outgrow your patterns by changing partners.
You outgrow them by understanding why you keep choosing the ones who activate them.
From the Chair
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The Pattern I Saw Over and Over From the Chair ✂️
Once I started doing this work, I couldn't unsee it.
Woman after woman would sit in my chair and tell me about the same kind of relationship.
She was anxiously attached. He was dismissive avoidant.
She wanted closeness. He wanted space.
She felt rejected by his withdrawal. He felt suffocated by her pursuit.
She'd cry. She'd ask why she kept choosing the same kind of man.
And I'd ask her one question:
"What did love feel like when you were a kid?"
And almost every time without fail — she'd describe a parent who was inconsistent. Sometimes warm, sometimes withdrawn. Sometimes available, sometimes gone. A childhood where love felt earned, not given.
That nervous system grew up to recognize "love" as the chase. So, she kept choosing partners who recreated the chase.
Not because she was broken. Because her body learned, very young, that love was supposed to feel uncertain.
Here's What Most People Don't Understand About Anxious Attachment
It isn't you being too much. It isn't you being needy. It isn't you being clingy or insecure or hard to love.
It's a nervous system that learned, very early, that the people you needed weren't always reliable. And that nervous system is still trying to keep you safe — by keeping you alert, vigilant, and over-functioning in love.
Your anxiety isn't the problem.
It's the alarm system.
And the alarm is going off because something underneath is asking for attention.
How I Turned It Around — From Toxic to Adaptable to Secure
Here's the part nobody tells you:
You don't fix anxious attachment by trying to feel less.
You fix it by getting to the root of what's shaping the reaction in the first place.
For me, that meant:
1. I stopped blaming my partners. Even when their behavior was unhealthy — I stopped making them the only reason I felt unsafe. Because I'd been feeling unsafe in love long before I met them.
2. I named the pattern out loud. "I'm anxiously attached. I get triggered when people pull away. My body reacts before my mind catches up."
That sentence alone changed my life. Naming it took the power out of it.
3. I learned to soothe myself instead of seeking soothing from them. This was the hardest part. When the panic hit, instead of immediately texting, calling, or interrogating — I learned to sit with the feeling. Breathe through it. Ask myself, "What am I actually afraid of right now?"
Almost every single time, the answer was: Being abandoned. Not being chosen. Not being enough. That fear wasn't from my current relationship. It was from much earlier.
4. I stopped expecting partners to fix it for me. A secure partner can support healing. But they can't do the healing FOR you. That's yours to do.
5. I let myself be loved by someone steady. Here's the kicker — once I started healing, steady didn't feel boring anymore. It felt safe. And safe started feeling like home.
What I Tell My Clients Now
When someone comes to me at the breaking point literally ready to throw in the towel on their relationship, I always ask the same thing:
"Before you walk away, do you actually understand what's at the root of your partner's behavior? And do you understand what's at the root of yours?"
Because most of the time, what looks like incompatibility is actually two nervous systems triggering each other.
She's anxious. He's avoidant. Her need for closeness activates his fear of being trapped. His withdrawal activates her fear of abandonment.
They keep dancing this same dance, blaming each other for the music.
But the music was playing long before they met.
This Doesn't Mean You Stay
Let me be clear:
If your partner is abusive, dishonest, or unwilling to do their own work; please don’t disregard your physical or emotional safety
But if you keep finding yourself in the same kind of relationship over and over
The work isn't choosing a "better" partner.
The work is understanding the root of what keeps drawing you to the same dance.
Because the reaction is rarely the root.
And the root is almost always something we learned to call love before we knew what love really was. 🖤
A Reflection for This Week
Take five quiet minutes and ask yourself:
"What attachment style do I think I am?"
"What does it feel like in my body when my partner pulls away or comes too close?"
"Where did I first learn that's what love was supposed to feel like?"
With you in the work, Nichole 🖤
P.S. — If you've been stuck in the same kind of relationship pattern and you're ready to actually understand the root of it, this is exactly the work I do in 1:1 coaching. Whether it's individual sessions or couples support, we go deep, we go gentle, and we go to the root.
That's where everything begins.
Nichole Marie
Mindset Coach • Speaker • The Real Storytellers
